New Season loading, the adventure of faith continues…

I’ve wondered how or when to post. It’s been such a whirlwind that I still don’t know but I’ll share briefly. 

I’ll share more in depth when I have the energy but for now it’s the condensed version. I flew to California with my eldest and arrived Feb 1, we urgently left due to complications with my leg. We decided the morning of the flight to leave, we had an hour to pack and left without saying goodbye (a few friends found out and said bye) but for the most part we just took off. It was a very difficult journey back with my leg being in so much pain, but I am so grateful for the grace of God that has sustained me these last 6 months since breaking my leg. I’ve been in pain every single day. I cannot begin to express with words how unbelievably exhausting chronic pain is. Not being able to function the way I’m used to. Not being able to physically leave the house without the help of a walking aid or even having the energy to leave. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for legs that are getting me around, albeit painfully. But a moment of human realness? Some days the pain is so overwhelming I want to cut my leg off. I know it won’t solve anything and I wouldn’t actually do it, but that is how this pain can be all consuming. There are some days I cannot think, literally my brain just shuts down bc the pain takes over. 

Somehow I got off on that tangent 🤔 let’s see where was I before? Oh, I flew to CA with my eldest. Once I arrived, I had a different peace than before. I cannot describe it other than not realizing I had been living with intense medical anxiety since my leg break. The unreliable care and the treatment I received at the hospital has left me untrusting of medical professionals. Not all of them of course but I really went thru it. Not the entire time of course, but since my leg break. And actually, I’d venture to say since my anaphylactic shock earlier last year. God gives us the grace to go through the unimaginable & sometimes you don’t realize or feel the affects until you’re out of the situation. In January of this year I had another anaphylaxis episode and it was terrifying. Thankfully I carry epi pens and I have an incredible friend who is a doctor who helped me and met me at the hospital and monitored me in my car, using my Apple Watch! Fun fact, my family gifted me an Apple Watch before moving to Samoa bc of my medical needs and it definitely has saved my life on more than one occasion 🙏🏽 Anyway, the next morning after my anaphylaxis, as I lay in bed struggling to breathe and crying my eyes out while crying out to God – I knew that this was it. I did not want to experience anaphylaxis again in Samoa, they just aren’t equipped to meet my medical needs. It was a weird sense of contentment and confirmation. 

Story time. See, 6 months before, when we were in California visiting, God spoke to both Kopo and I separately about moving back to California. At first I thought it was some crazy idea and didn’t pay much attention. But then the thought came again, and came with more specifics and I thought it was even more bizarre 😂 Then while driving Kopo asked me out of the blue, “do you think we’ll ever move back here?” It was a strange question bc we’d already answered this for ourselves before, we never saw us back in California. We loved it, it’s where our family was, but it wasn’t where we felt called & we enjoyed island life more and more so never considered a permanent move back. I prided myself of living abroad and enjoying a “safer” life and quiet life rich in culture for my girls and entire family. What the heck was going on?!? I immediately knew that God was at work. I responded to Kopo, “why? do you feel like we’re gonna move back??” And after a long pause and silence he quietly said “yes, but I didn’t know how to bring it up.” We both exchanged stories that we had sensed we would move back but it seemed SO far fetched and insane and far from our personal desires that we knew it had to be God. As we spoke, the specifics came into alignment and it was confirmation the Lord was leading us back to California. This was a shock for us since we had moved away more than 10 years before in 2014. Initially we didn’t want to share with anyone but decided to let a few trusted folks know what we felt the Lord was leading us to and to pray with us. We went back to Samoa and knew we needed to wait for finalizing our little one’s adoption and needed time to slowly get rid of our stuff and pack. And then after a week or so, everything changed. We didn’t sense any leading to California. I couldn’t even think about leaving Samoa without crying uncontrollably. I didn’t want to leave. I couldn’t. It had become home and I was devastated. Kopo and I spoke and were wondering why we suddenly felt a change? Did we hear incorrectly? Did we make it all up? We knew we hadn’t but we also couldn’t keep planning on leaving when there was such an abrupt change in our spirits. We couldn’t put to words but did not sense we would be going anywhere. We thought maybe it was an Abraham/Isaac situation and we needed to be willing to be obedient no matter what. A couple weeks later we finalized our little one’s adoption & were thrilled. I immediately applied for an immigration visa for her to begin her US citizenship process (it isn’t automatic, many think it is) then a week later my leg broke and life as we knew it changed completely. 

No thoughts of leaving came during the first couple months after breaking my leg. Not until closer to the holidays did I wanna take off but then felt like we weren’t to leave and to trust for God’s provision of health in Samoa. We had peace and He graced us with the strength to continue navigating all the health challenges in Samoa. We even looked at buying land and a home. We had no thought of leaving.  Then after the anaphylaxis in January it was like a culmination of everything and after crying out to God it was this feeling of complete peace, knowing that our time in Samoa was coming to an end. 

If you’re still reading and just think I’m crazy, you’re in good company, I think I’m crazy 🤣 But I also know God is so gracious. He knew I needed time. We needed time. The time spent homebound after my leg break was not wasted. There was so much God spoke to me during that time. So much He showed me, taught me, and confirmed with me. Looking back I see He was preparing my heart without me knowing it. And then, It was like in an instant that morning, everything shifted. I called Kopo into the room as I was bawling and just said I can’t do it again here. And I didn’t mean we would leave Samoa. It was just a cry of desperation. Immediately Kopo said, we will go. And I knew in my Spirit it was right. And I felt a sense of completion. Where before I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Samoa and our friends and community we had been blessed with, i suddenly  felt like I could get on a plane the next day and be fine. Not that I wouldn’t miss it, but there was a sense that this season was over. I can’t explain it. I also am not saying God caused any of this, don’t get it twisted. He is GOOD, He did not push me down and break my leg. He didn’t close my throat after eating something I’m allergic to. We live in a fallen world where there is brokenness and bad things happen – but He has carried me through these awful situations and He is continuing to carry me through. Could He heal my leg without surgery and could I wake up tomorrow and go for a run? Absolutely! He is the God of the impossible and still works miracles daily. Will He do that? Probably not 😂 The bigger miracle honestly is that He keeps me. He brings me through the impossible and through the unimaginable. He has never left my side. 

I know this might sound really woo woo to many of you and that’s ok. And also there’s a lot I can’t explain and don’t have an answer for. And that’s ok too. I don’t have to know it all. I don’t have to see a reason for everything. There are things I will never know this side of heaven, all I know is I love God and He loves me and I want to be obedient and follow Him all the days of my life. Trusting Him to lead me and show me the path He has for me. He promises to lead me, not to give me all the answers. And right now we only see a tiny glimpse of what He has for our family. 

Trust I have been WRESTLING IT OUT with Him. And walking with a literal limp now 🤣🤣 IYKYK 😩 i have cried more these last 6mo than I ever have in my life. I haven’t slept through the night more than a handful of times. I have been angry and frustrated. Yelled and cried, been confused. Been sad. Sometimes He gives me glimpses of what’s ahead but mostly just enough for the day I’m in. Do I know where we will live? No. Do I know how we we will make it in the Bay Area as a family of 4 starting over with “nothing.” I put that in quotes because we always hold loosely to any possessions. Anything and everything we have is from God & can be here today and gone tomorrow. Materially we don’t have much & we don’t let that stop us from seeking God’s will over everything else. What we have doesn’t determine our obedience. We jump & trust God will catch us & HE ALWAYS DOES 🙌🏽 We have family who are gracious to let us stay in their home and use their car, we are blessed to have a roof over our head, food in our bellies & clothes to keep us warm. I don’t know how it will all work out, but I do know that God goes before us and has it planned out. I do trust that He will continue to take care of us and provide in miraculous ways even when it’s hard. Even when I don’t understand. Even when nothing makes sense & I question some decisions, He is so loving and good, He assures me He is with me and He will provide and does. 

Ok that was supposed to be short and I just kept writing 😂 There is more miraculous things He is doing as it relates to our youngest and her immigration paperwork. I applied for what USCIS told me to. Sent a 24pg application overnight and then had her and Kopo fly over thinking she was in the clear. She entered the US with no issues, the customs officer was amazing and understanding and didn’t ask many questions. Only to find out a few days after she arrived that they rejected her application! And how awful that would have been if they rejected her at the airport and didn’t allow her in. Don’t go reporting me, she is here legally – it’s the next step in her process that needs to be sorted out. The immigration stuff will need to be a separate post all together. Ay ya yayyy what a nightmare that is. And yet, I know it will all work out. I’ll have my cry, get frustrated but ultimately I know He will work it out. It’s a frustrating time on many different fronts, but it’s also a miraculous time. I’m grateful for the hope we have in God, while also facing the reality of the limitations of my body and the US government 😅 He leads us day by day. I can’t look too far ahead right now or I’ll be overwhelmed. God has seen me through 40 years and has NEVER LET ME DOWN. Sometimes people think the life of faith is all fun and adventure with the Lord, which often it is. It’s also hard, lonely, frustrating & confusing. I feel it all and know He can handle it and doesn’t shy away from my big feelings. It’s been a challenging season, to put it lightly, yet He shows His goodness and grace every day. 

The other day during my devotions I was encouraged again by Jesus’ words, “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.” Luke‬ ‭11‬:‭9‬-‭10‬ ‭NLT‬‬ 

Sometimes it can be so exhausting to have the same prayer requests, day in and day out. I know He hears me but I still get frustrated. However I was encouraged again to just keep going. Keep pressing in. Keep praying. He doesn’t get sick of me asking again and again and again. He is doing a deep work in me through all the frustration and tears 😭😭🙌🏽

Here are ways to pray for us:

• Pain Relief for Crystal
• Appointment with a specialist to open soon
• Affordable housing option for our family
• Reliable, affordable car 
• Strength for Crystal to be able to work
• Strength for Kopo as he cares for the girls and Crystal. He is not working consistently until Crystal’s leg gets sorted out. 
• Grace for all of us as we navigate the transition of moving countries. 
• Continued provision for our daily needs
• For our faith as a family to grow as we see God meet all our needs in His timing. 
• Wisdom in decision-making as we navigate all these changes and challenges. 
• For our hearts to continue to be filled with gratitude for all we have and hopeful for what’s ahead.

Thank you for reading my late night thoughts and jumbled pieces of our story that probably bring more questions than answers at this point 🤣 I’m grateful for the folks who continue to check in on me and us. For the prayer warriors walking in the thick of it with us. For the ones who message me and text me and make sure I’m still around. And I’m sorry for everyone who is finding out through this that we moved. It wasn’t intentional. We thought we had more time but with my leg getting increasingly worse we had to make a quick decision & im so sad we didn’t get to properly farewell our island home 🏝️ we love you all. And to those in California, we aren’t making plans with anyone just yet. Waiting to sort my leg out first 🙏🏽 I love you all. Big hugs to you wherever you are!! Feel free to message me on FB, I’m not on social media really right now. Also my email is always open: crystaltapelu@icloud.com

All glory to God for His faithfulness & for keeping us through all the twists and turns of this life that we are so privileged to live 🙌🏽😭